Friday, October 23, 2009

Thrift Store Thursday

Q. Will I ever actually post this on a Thursday...?
A. Not bloody likely.

The thrift store, this week, had crap-a-plenty, and I have to tell you, I am more bold than I used to be taking pictures of the fecal matter they are selling. I used to try and be stealth about it (although the camera on my phone gives a resounding CA-LICK! when I snap a pic...) Now, I just don't care. I snap away. Ok, so I am not so bold. I still don't make eye contact with people. What am I going to say? "Hey, I am taking pictures of the ugly shiz-nit you are in here buying because I like to make fun of it on my blog...?" Nope. I think I have mentioned before that I am not looking for a beatdown in the name of a giggle.

Here is what I found this week...

Now, here in PA, I have seen Amish bread, Amish furniture, Amish buggies...but until this day, I had yet to see Amish blown-out egg people thingies.

And someone thought these were just so CLEVER! that they went to the trouble of putting them in little display boxes. Please, oh, please, let this be a Girl Scout project. I don't want to imagine a grown person actually making these things...and displaying them in his/her home.

OK, seriously? Did someone actually GO all the way to Hawaii and buy this? On purpose? The one testicle hanging there is just...sad. Droopy and sad. I have seen testicles like this in my past. Not pretty. Not pretty at all.

Lookit. Proof positive that drag queens celebrate the holidays....


And Christmas.

I am not sure the last time I saw a hummingbird at the beach, but maybe I just have not been paying attention.

This crap was just scary. Check out the Amityville Horror eyes. Nothing says quaint country decor like a possessed goose.

No new ugly furniture to display. Well, there was a grotesque orange and brown plaid number, but there was someone sitting on it and I couldn't whip my balls out to ask him to get up. I feel quite sure it will be there next week. Stay tuned.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Things I have said so far today...

"I don't care if he is a human bridge. Do not hit your brother in the junk."

"I said no more cookies. This does not translate to smuggle them in your underpants."

"The cat is having a nervous breakdown. She does not want you to listen to her heart with Daddy's stethoscope."

"I am not sure where bugs' penises are."

"Yes, some birds have penises."

"Yes, poop comes from your anus."

"Yes, bugs have anuses as well."

"If you don't want him to toot on you, don't burp on him."

And it is not even 1 p.m. yet.

As you can see, a lot of coversation around here centers around things below the belt. The joy of boys.

It is Day Two of the PA Monsoon, and my kids are suffering from serious Cabin Fever. I am so bugged out by the thought of H1N1 germs that I am not even venturing out to Tumble Town or Chuck E Cheese. So, we are hunkering down here at Casa H.

I think forts of many sheets are in order. That ought to keep the natives from getting too restless.

At least for the next, oh 10 minutes or so.

Monday, October 12, 2009

New Kid In Town

As I was searching for the lullaby CD last night, Hunter came rushing out of the boys' room with a very urgent look on his face. The conversation went pretty much like this:

"Mom, mom, oh my gosh, mom... Chase said a BADWORD." (Note that "bad" and "word" are always smooshed together and said in a most serious, bass tone.)

"Really. Well, what did he say?"

"Mom, I can't say it. Then I would be saying a BADWORD."

"OK, just this once, you can say it, just so you tell me." (Oh, pleaseGodpleaseGodpleaseGod don't let it be the F-word...)

"OK, if you really want to know...but I am not happy about saying a BADWORD, you know."

"Yes, but take one for the team so that Mommy knows what Chase said. I promise, it's OK."

(Big breath...) "Chase said (pause for dramatic effect...and whisper...) shut up."

"Chase DYLAN! Did you just say the words shut up?"

(Chase) "My name is not Chase. I am Upside-Down Kid."

Good Lord, a naughty alter-ego. This kid is trying to drive me completely mad. Mad, I say. "Ok, Upside-Down Kid, did you say a BADWORD?"

"Yep. I sure did. But Chase didn't." Big smile.

Split personality, or just extremely, deviously, brilliantly crafty? Mmmmmm....I wonder.

Do they make a Preschool for the Criminally Insane?