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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

John Boys

I pee. Like, a lot. I am not sure if it is bladder brainwash from when I was growing up, or what. You know, "Go pee-pee before we leave" or when on vacation, "We are stopping for gas. Go in and pee. You don't have to? Well, try anyway..." It could also be the fact that I had three ginormous babies that did some squishing to my organs (8 lb, 4 oz, 8 1/2 lbs, and the whopper that was 9 lbs, 11 oz). At any rate, I can tell you where bathrooms are in any store, restaurant, play area, friend's home in Y County. I have even had to make pit stops in porta-pots here and there. And those things make me want absolutely puke.

I swear to you, I can pee "just before" I walk out the door, drive 30 minutes, and be like, "Aw, hell, gotta go again." Make no mistake, I have no problem with holding it...no dribbling here...but I just have super-functioning kidneys.

That being said, I would not want to do a big fat sneeze when holding a full bladder. That could be catastrophic. Or hilarious. Depending on where I am when it happens. Haha, I said "Depend".

At any rate, so, OK, I have two little boys. One big boy, of course, who can go potty alone, and has for many years, but two littles that still have to go in the Ladies Room with me. When the biggest kid was little, I was a single mom and when he got too old (in his mind) to go into the Ladies' Room, I remember standing in the doorway of the Mens Room, holding the door open with my foot and announcing loudly, "Austin, I am RIGHT HERE. Are you OK? Aust, I am STILL HERE, OK?" (Translation- "Any potential pedophiles, be on alert. Do not even THINK of messing with that kid there. Momma Lion is at the door. Oh, and sorry to any of you fellers just trying to get your pee on, having to listen to a woman's voice bouncing off the tiles. Shy bladders will have to 1. wait, or 2. go pee in the parking lot.")

Anyway, the littles are nowhere near being ready to go to the Mens' Room solo, so they come in with me. Usually, I go in a stall and have them stand right outside the door, with their shoes peeking under where I can see them, but if the bathroom is crowded, they have to come in the stall with me. Yep, pretty crowded, and you hear me saying the following:

1. Do not touch ANYTHING. No, not that, or that. Please, will you just put your hands in your pockets???

2. I will flush it with my foot. Do not touch the flusher. Thanks anyway, but I will handle it.

3. Leave that metal box alone. (Ladies, you know what I am saying. Ick.)

I had both littles in a crowded bathroom recently, and we packed into a stall. I was doing the hover and my youngest loudly proclaims for all to hear, "Hahahahahahaha! Mom, you are peeing out of your BUTT! Hahahahahaha!" To which I hear snickers and giggles. So I try to quietly explain that a) it is not actually coming from my butt, and b) GET OUT from behind there!

Then he says, "Oh, so it must be from your BA-JINE-AH! Hahahahahahaha!"

Heavens to mergatroid. I wanted to get the heck out of there, but I had to make the Walk of Shame to the sink. I tried not to make eye contact with anyone.

It made me recall a story one of my best friends told me about her daughter coming into a stall with her and announcing to all in the bathroom, "Mommy, you have a REALLY BIG VAGINA!" Yikes. I suppose peeing from the butt is a little better than that. But not much.

Maybe it is time to stand guard at the Mens' Room after all.

6 comments:

Kelli @ Gohn Crazy said...

*LOL* The joys of motherhood!

Traci said...

Oh motherhood. You can train your bladder to not have the urge so much. First of all you have to not give in and go every 30 minutes. You should be able to hold it for 2-3 hours. Once you feel like you have to go again don't go. Hold it. Also doing Kegal exercises can help with the urges too. One of my friends is a specialist and teaches classes on this. :)

Austin L. said...

hahahah! i LOLed hard when i remembered you calling in the bathroom

Elaine's Semi-Homemade Life said...

HIL-arious! Oh, that's too funny! How have I never happened upon your blog from our jan06 group? I read thru several posts and I'm LOL! :)

Stefanie said...

OH MY GAWD!!!! HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!

Deana said...

Hmmmm...love it! That one story sounds VERY familiar! ;)