This is what you get...

When you dick around at the polls and "Ha ha! I wrote myself in!" on an elected position.

Yes, that is my jokey-joker husband who is now an elected official with a whopping one vote. Needless to say, we scrambled to figure out exactly what a "Minority Inspector" was expected to do once we got this notice today. I was so hoping that it would involve something like having to speak in public, or do some such embarrassing thing. I am twisted like that, and make no mistake, he would wish the same on me, should the shoe be on the other foot. Alas, it appears that he only has to show up at the poll in our district when there is an election. I guess he helps oversee things (?) I am still not totally sure. Once it became clear that it would not be anything that would give me reason to poke fun at him, I sort of lost interest in the research. Bummer.

Lest you think he does not take voting seriously, this man never misses an election. He votes in local races as well as national ones. He is very patriotic and takes seriously his right to vote. And now he can surely show his pride in serving his district.

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sucka!

Sketch Artist

The littlest kid's newest accessories are pad and pen. He alternates from being Joe/Steve from Blue's Clue's to a waiter from some sadistic restaurant. I say "sadistic" because when Chase the Waiter asks you what you want to order, and you respond, they NEVER have it.

"OK, what you want?"

"How about a pizza?"

"Ohhhh....no pizza."

"OK, then, how about grilled cheese?"

"Ohhhh, we have no grilled cheese. We have cheeseboogers."

"Cheesebooger, then."

(scribble, scribble.)

"What else?"

"Uhhhh....salad?"

"Nope! No salad!"

"What do you have?"

"Well, we have french fries."

"Are you sure? OK, then, I will take that. And you tell me what you have to drink so I don't have to guess."

"Sprite. Just Sprite. In a can."

(scribble, scribble.)

So, 15 minutes later when he wants to know what I want to order (again), you would think it would be easy; cheesebooger, french fries, and Sprite...in a can. But nooooo. Now, they are magically all out of all of those things, and the guessing game begins again.

But yesterday, he was intently watching me blow dry my hair, and once in a while would put his pen to paper...then, stop, look intently, and draw again....another pause, look, and another addition to the paper.... I realized he must be drawing me. When I finished, he proudly proclaimed, "Look here, Mommy! I drawed YOU!"

And I must say, the resemblance is striking.

I think he has a great future ahead of him as a police sketch artist.

Mama's Holiday Wish Meme

Mama’s Holiday Wish List Meme

TodaysMama and Provo Craft are giving away a sleighful of gifts this holiday season and to enter I’m sharing this meme with you.

1. What 5 items are on your holiday wish list this year? Anything sparkly! A new Amy Burhoe ring, Land's End GC, new dishes from Crate and Barrel, new rug from C&B. (Luckily, my darling MIL works there...woot!)

Oh, and if I can have a #6, I shall add some tasty Alexander Skarsgard.

Have. Mercy.

2. What is your favorite handmade gift you have received? Probably a doll my mom made when I was a kid. It was a Miss Hannigan (Annie) doll, and she was a hoot...dressed in a negligee, beads, and feather boa. It was ahhhh-suuuuuuum!

3. What handmade gift have you always wanted to tackle? I have always wanted to learn to knit and make scarves and all kinds of cozy, cute things. The closest I have come is a latch-hook kit. Hey, it has yarn, right?

4. What was the best Christmas gift you received as a child? Hands down- the dollhouse my granddad made for me and my sister. Wish I still had that badboy. I loved it.

5. What items are on your kid’s wish list this year? Since I normally keep them from watching channels with commercials, when they do see one, THAT is what they want. It changes minute to minute, commercial to commercial. Unless it is something dolly or pink, 'cause "Ewww. Dat's for guuuuurls."

6. What is your favorite holiday food? My sweet potato souffle. It rocks my socks.

7. What will you be hand-crafting for the holidays? The boys and I made ornaments for their tree. We will do a few more Christmas-y crafts and that will be about it. Nothing that I will craft and give as gifts...I want to actually KEEP my friends.

8. What is your favorite holiday movie? White Christmas. I actually cry at the end. I can really be a big fat sentimental dork during the holidays. Oh, and the goofball in me has to love Will Ferrell's "Elf". I just like to smile. Smiling's my favorite!

9. Favorite holiday song? Oh Holy Night (I think I totally kick on the Gloooo-oooo-oooo-ooooo-ria! part. I actually don't.)

10. Favorite holiday pastime? I love snuggling on the sofa with a good book, next to the Christmas tree, with some soft Christmas music playing. Delish.

Crowd Control

...and by "crowd", I mean two hellions...uh, boys. And lest you think that only three or more is a crowd, I invite you to come on by the H household on days when those two are really crankin'. I assure you, it is a crowd. Some days it is a two-Lexapro kind of day. Washed down with a shot of Jack. But I think I have the solution. At least for the next couple of months, anyway...


This...

is my latest purchase. Oh, wait, I did not buy this. No siree, I sure didn't. It "showed up", "magically" from "The North Pole." That, my friends, is my story, and I am sticking to it...all in the name of behavior modification, AKA Crowd Control.

You see, Santa sent a little helper to watch over the littles.

No, no, not THAT guy. This one...

You see, according to the story, this elf watches over those in the house and reports back to Santa every night about everyones' behavior. He then magically flies back to the house and hides in a different place. The fun is then in the morning when you look for where your elf is.

Well, that is the fun for the littles. The fun for me is getting to say, "Oooh, I sure hope the elf doesn't tell Santa about you jumping on the furniture..." And the cute factor of them whispering their Christmas list so that the elf can pass it on to Santa? That's good stuff, too.

First order of business, after unwrapping the package from Santa...

...was to name the little booger. My suggestions of Stool Pigeon, Dime Dropper, and Rat Fink were met with, "uh, what?", so big brother Austin suggested Hermie. Chase then said he wanted to name him Elf-is (Get it? Elfis - Elvis...?) to which I had to laugh/give him a big ass high five. Thank you, thank you verr much...

So, he has a first and last name. Hunter says that "of COURSE, elves don't have MIDDLE names...DUH" so there it stands. Hermie Elfis. I may sneak a little sequined cape on him at some point. A jumpsuit and paunch belly may just be a bit much.

So far, so good. Looks like introducing a little paranoia into their lives is a good thing. Well, for me anyway. And we all know it is all about me. Right?

1 up

Halloween is over, bring on Christmas! Ok, well, technically, Thanksgiving, and THEN Christmas, but do we really count Thanksgiving? I can tell you that my kids don't. I was explaining the fact that November brings Thanksgiving, to which, Hunter said, "What do we do on Thanksgiving?" How exciting to be able to reply, "Well, we all get together and EAT! Woooo!"

This was met by a blank stare and a kid who was obviously waiting for either the rest of the story or a punchline. "What do we eat?"

"Turkey, stuffing, pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes..."

"Bleh. Can I just eat chicken nuggets?"

"Yeah, I suppose..."

"Then what do we do?"

"Well, we usually go for a walk, the guys watch some football or take a little snooze..."

"Oh. That sounds not very exciting."

He calls 'em like he sees 'em, to which I have no choice but reply, "I suppose you're right."

All he wants to know is when is our Disney trip, how many days until Christmas, and does Santa REALLY see him all the time? Like, even when he is peeing, or dropping a deuce?

I am hoping with the passing of Halloween, the littlest kid's obsession with his Super Mario costume can get wrapped up. He insists on wearing it outside to play. Oh, and complete with mustache. He was getting the overalls all muddy the other day, so I had him change into regular clothes, but he insisted on keeping the mustache painted on. I feel quite sure the UPS guy who made a delivery to our house that day now firmly believes that hormones in milk are causing our kids to experience early puberty.

Thrift Store Thursday

Q. Will I ever actually post this on a Thursday...?
A. Not bloody likely.


The thrift store, this week, had crap-a-plenty, and I have to tell you, I am more bold than I used to be taking pictures of the fecal matter they are selling. I used to try and be stealth about it (although the camera on my phone gives a resounding CA-LICK! when I snap a pic...) Now, I just don't care. I snap away. Ok, so I am not so bold. I still don't make eye contact with people. What am I going to say? "Hey, I am taking pictures of the ugly shiz-nit you are in here buying because I like to make fun of it on my blog...?" Nope. I think I have mentioned before that I am not looking for a beatdown in the name of a giggle.


Here is what I found this week...


Now, here in PA, I have seen Amish bread, Amish furniture, Amish buggies...but until this day, I had yet to see Amish blown-out egg people thingies.


And someone thought these were just so CLEVER! that they went to the trouble of putting them in little display boxes. Please, oh, please, let this be a Girl Scout project. I don't want to imagine a grown person actually making these things...and displaying them in his/her home.






OK, seriously? Did someone actually GO all the way to Hawaii and buy this? On purpose? The one testicle hanging there is just...sad. Droopy and sad. I have seen testicles like this in my past. Not pretty. Not pretty at all.



Lookit. Proof positive that drag queens celebrate the holidays....


Thanksgiving...




And Christmas.





I am not sure the last time I saw a hummingbird at the beach, but maybe I just have not been paying attention.



This crap was just scary. Check out the Amityville Horror eyes. Nothing says quaint country decor like a possessed goose.

No new ugly furniture to display. Well, there was a grotesque orange and brown plaid number, but there was someone sitting on it and I couldn't whip my balls out to ask him to get up. I feel quite sure it will be there next week. Stay tuned.

Things I have said so far today...

"I don't care if he is a human bridge. Do not hit your brother in the junk."

"I said no more cookies. This does not translate to smuggle them in your underpants."

"The cat is having a nervous breakdown. She does not want you to listen to her heart with Daddy's stethoscope."

"I am not sure where bugs' penises are."

"Yes, some birds have penises."

"Yes, poop comes from your anus."

"Yes, bugs have anuses as well."

"If you don't want him to toot on you, don't burp on him."

And it is not even 1 p.m. yet.

As you can see, a lot of coversation around here centers around things below the belt. The joy of boys.

It is Day Two of the PA Monsoon, and my kids are suffering from serious Cabin Fever. I am so bugged out by the thought of H1N1 germs that I am not even venturing out to Tumble Town or Chuck E Cheese. So, we are hunkering down here at Casa H.

I think forts of many sheets are in order. That ought to keep the natives from getting too restless.

At least for the next, oh 10 minutes or so.